My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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