Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
