Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
