I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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