I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm too high and old for this...
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