a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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