i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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