I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize