can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
