so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
