matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
