It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
