my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Im part way to drunk.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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