My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
