You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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