just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
