Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
