yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
