You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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