I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
