these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
