Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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