I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
