Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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