So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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