the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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