i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
