I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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