after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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