something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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