I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
