Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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