We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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