allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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