i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
