apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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