; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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