If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
