Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
