My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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