was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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