So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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