Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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