That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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