Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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