Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
