even my farts smell like vagina
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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