life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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