I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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