Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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