Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize