don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
