I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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