i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
