my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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