just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
