guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
