I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
