i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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