She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
