1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
