Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
