Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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